Being in Control

I just read an article in the New York Times that had nothing to do with pregnancy, yet as I read the line "Fully embrace the vulnerability of the situation, I would never have gotten through it if I hadn't allowed people in" it really spoke to my pregnant self.  The article, 'You Look Great' and Other Lies, by Bruce Feiler is about people who are sick, really sick, and how to best be a friend or supportive to a sick friend or loved one in need. But it spoke to me for other reasons. 

I've been getting concerned about my prenatal care again, and yes, I've been reading the Lamaze book. While I do think that the Lamaze book will serve me well during labor and postpartum, it's making me a bit crazy during the pregnancy. Sadly, this is the exact opposite of the authors' intent, but that is how it's turning out, isn't it?

This week, I'm worried about the vaginal exam I have scheduled Monday, right on the heels of my glucose intolerance test. The Lamaze book is against both of these tests, citing studies and findings from the WHO and other organizations that suggest they neither help prevent problems nor protect mother or child. Furthermore, they suggest that invasive tests such as these cause stress and are more detrimental than they are good. Naturally, reading that made me start to question my doctor's practices and wonder if I should deny the test. In my heart of hearts, I sort of just figure, what the hell, why not have the tests? I feel so great and everything is going along so smoothly, I know the doctor will say, "Your pregnancy is perfect! Everything looks just perfect!" just like she has at every other appointment. And isn't there something to be said for having a doctor who feels informed and confident, thereby making me feel confident and proud at the same time?

The feeling that I must somehow "seize control" and "be in charge" comes up over and me at times like these and it doesn't feel good. That's why I loved the line in the article so much. "Fully embrace the vulnerability of the situation." Yes. Going into parenthood, pregnancy is just the beginning. I'll never be able to be in charge of my child's well being or seize control of his or her safety every minute of his or her precious life. I'll never be able to foresee every danger and sidestep every pitfall. I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm going to do the absolute best I can, but fretting over every potential danger in a world filled with so many everyday dangers will make me a frantic mother, a controlling mother, a nagging mother, but not a better mother. If I spend all of my time now worrying about ultrasounds, tests and vaginal exams now, I'll be positively obsessive over sunscreen ingredients and the like. I want to make informed choices and do the right things, but this overwhelming feeling of needing control makes me feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

So here's what I am going to do. Relax. On Monday, I will ask my doctor if the tests and ultrasounds are necessary, share my concerns and see what she says. When the baby comes along, I'm going to eat tons of healthy food so I can make the best milk possible, I'm going to follow the WHO's recommendations on vaccinations and vaccinate my child - not just for their safety, but for everyone else's. We're going to read together every single day. I'll wear the baby and we will take walks and I will talk to the baby and we will spend lots of time just being together. I'll use non-toxic reusable diapers, herbal diaper cream and an organic cloth wetted with warm water instead of wipes. The baby will not even see a TV until he or she is three years old. I'm going to love on that little critter like you wouldn't believe. 

With all that happening, I am confident that I will feel not only vulnerable, but humbled because life really is such a delicate, beautiful miracle. It doesn't need our control.